For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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