I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
