My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
