I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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