okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
