Is it because I queefed?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
