I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
