moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
