Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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