My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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