I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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