who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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