your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
