Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
