It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
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