just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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