i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
He has the fingertips of a God
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
