how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
