I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
