I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
