My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
