On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
