so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
