I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
