so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
