wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
