I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
