If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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