I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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