Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
