It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
