Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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