What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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