The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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