im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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