i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
