I want to walk on stilts...naked
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
