You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
