Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
