I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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