There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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