just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
