One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I need to sanitize my soul.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
