Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I've blown a few things in my day
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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