i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
