i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
