tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
