i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My feet surprised me
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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