so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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