there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
