oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
