My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
