i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
