Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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