I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
