I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
