so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
