Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
