ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
