phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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