Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Randomize
