Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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